We have identified separation anxiety as fear #1, struggle numero dos, the fear I have been chewing on the most, has been an overwhelming sense of unworthiness. So many people have faced struggles, fought cancer. My husband has been by my side though it all, yet I am granted this amazing gift. Why me? Why not him? Why not Jackie or Lori or Curtis or countless others?
I went on a run last night (I use the term run very, very loosely these days). I experienced a moment of clarity while I was alone with my thoughts on my run. As I rounded the corner of the grounds of the Indiana Veterans Home and started up the small hill in the cemetery the beauty of my surroundings overcame me. The trees still hold most of their leaves this week but they have changed to deep gold and hues of orange. The sky was overcast, the air was damp and the smell of wet walnuts hung in the air. It was so pretty that I actually wrestled with my phone enough to snap the picture above while doing my barely-a-run run and trying not to break my ankles! Why was I given the gift of that moment? Why did God chose me to experience the beauty of His creation on this Monday evening when others like my friends, cancer warriors that have gone before me, or even my beautiful brother, Josh, did not get to experience it. Again, WHY ME? I am NO more deserving.
And then it hit me—like the thud of a walnut hitting the ground from a 40 foot branch, this gift, this adventure is like God’s love, like God’s endless mercy. None of us are truly worthy, but He lovingly pours His gifts out on us, if only we are willing to accept them. We are all designed for love and worthy of love and that “WE” includes me.
If you had told me 1 year ago that I would run a 5k in the rain after work and go to Peru for 2 weeks I would have laughed and laughed. In fact, my friend Chris did mention Peru to me just about 1 year ago. I was sitting in a dentist’s chair at the time-funny because I was there today, too-but that is a story for another time. Poor Chris. I did laugh at him. I said something along the lines of yeah, right. I just went back to work outside of the home for the first time in 14 years (less a pizza delivery stint in ’09, more on that in another blog, too, lol), I have a charity to run, 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 goats, 2 cats, and a husband that surprisingly still loves me and I would really like to keep him around. Chris gave me heartfelt plea absent of the normal sarcasm and didn’t even tease me about the Bears once. Maybe that’s why it went straight to my heart. He said just don’t talk yourself out of it. There will always be all of these things, but this experience would be perfect for you. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Boom. He knew me. I heard it. And here I go. Llama, llama, take away momma!